Sometimes you get to doubt your doubts… those times are Beautiful.
In this moment I somehow am turned to believing that with enough time things can be mended… Not All things, for sure, but at-least most of them. We should learn to forgive humans, and take up with our relationships. I thought that people can not be forgiven, mistakes once done are done forever, yet I find it in me to love people again, forgive them; maybe I can’t forget but I can still love them.. Even that is beautiful I guess.
For a person as rigid, independent and uncaring as me, the idea shows some promise to live for.
I have promised myself that I shall write consistently now…. as consistently as possible…… MY BEHAVIOUR is quite uncontrollable at times. I don’t know whether I have always been an impossible person or I have started becoming one now… the term impossible person alone by itself does not deliver the meaning it was designed to deliver so help comes along…. in here it means I have become a person who realizes his faults but is not ready to disown them…….. By no lens I would seem to be standing at the right end of the burrow…. I cannot prove myself innocent…. but whatever it be I wanted my friends to stood by… stood by me… and when that is not the case… I shall stand alone…. far from others… far from the awkward position when one expects help but does not get it. Time again has come when I shall roam the castles alone. I can deal roaming around alone. I hate the proverb…. a stumbling stone gathers no moss. I have always believed love comes unconditionally, you cannot act needy, and you do not have to cry out for it…! I have to deal with things with elegance… don’t have to let go of this pretended composure, can NOT act weak at any cost. I shall repeat the following over and over and once again I shall be able to do the said so. I can live without people, I can survive on my own, and I can live very independently. (I just have to remember that one never goes to a place where he is not welcomed, I need to know that NOTHING is above your ego… you cannot let your self-respect down just because we bloody humans are social animals.) REMARKS:
- Right end of the burrow is the one from where you can not fall any lower.
- This post remotely reminds me of Leochoo who believed in Dastak na do, in one similar way we both exhibit impossible personalities …..!
Dying passions are all I have these days, I feel like I’ll never be able to do anything, anything that I wanted to…!
Look, what failures can do to one.
Writing… well my DEAR Transmitter is no more interested in me, and I, myself on my own account was never much of a writer…! It has been almost a year that I would have been bestowed upon with a poem…
Even if I want to I can’t, I simply can’t write…!
I am such a child, its impossible for me to face a failure manly(womanly… whatever). one damnable failure (and not even a failure if you ask others) and everything start looking gloomy. I lose every single drop of confidence that I ever had…!
I want to write, I really, really want to write, any bullshit that’ll pacify me, that’ll make me think, that I am not dead yet, that I still have enough in me to be the person I always have wanted to be.
I am such an idiot as to destroy my hard work of months by negligence of days. I have a way of destroying whatever good comes my way. I have of letting go whatever success is destined to come in my hand, what is already IN MY HAND. I let the diamond slip as if it was sand, it is that easy to let go, and then that remorse, that regret, deep regret that kills, and never let you rest. you wake up every morning, and you don’t want to face the world, you want to sleep again. You secretly wish you never had to wake up, at least with this regret, you try finding a way to make to improve things, but nothing can improve you. You want to escape the reality, the failure, you want to run away, you hate everything that ever was connected with that failure.
Apart from writing, I have other passions too, my involvement in science. My childhood dream to become a scientist, funny? oh I don’t care about its sounding that way. But now I feel I am just another person, there are thousands like me, not even hundreds… thousands …! What difference I am gonna make?
Question: Am i capable enough as to make a difference, “even a little one”? I beg in my heart, I want it, can’t bear it to be otherwise.
Question: would I be consistent enough? Do I have enough passion to last me there? I am very doubtful about me, I have my way of losing things, can not be sure about myself. I am not reliable.
I will not last long with this weak a will power.
Its breaking me to be apart from my friends, they were a constant support. I am without a backbone now, very limping. They had an essence in them that I fail to find in anyone else; being with an altogether different company is affecting me inwardly. I fail to understand why my dreams, my goals are losing clarity just cause I am away from THEM. Why? So dependent…? The Yamna Rehman Khan who gives a damn to everybody, that yamna?
DON’T WANT TO LOSE MY ESSENCE.
Competition is really high in the real world and I am a looser…!
Wait…………… Am I the only one who has,nt deleted hers… !
You people actually disappointed me…!
mjhe 101 temperature he, but jitne depressing mai messaging krti hun,aur jitne tassaliun bhare msgs se mera inbox bhara para he, usse dekh k kisi ko bhi 105 bukhar ho skta he…..!
I am dead proud of Y..!
Sessionals from 15, God kows wat I am gonna do……!